October 24, 2007
I’ve been thinking about posting in this thread- I never was a member at KK but I did do it for about a month. I think because it was a short time and I never cut out all the veggies I am not experiencing hair loss (thank GOD) but what is so upsetting is that my MIND is messed up.
I feel so obsessed about calories now! I finally had to BAN myself from fitday, no kidding. It’s really upsetting me because I feel like I’ve lost some part of myself or something. I don’t know if that makes sense but I’ve never in my life struggled with anything close to an ED and now I feel like I’m on the brink of it.
So, I hope that by discussing it here I can find some kind of healing
and above everything else I am so mad at myself for doing something that now I see is so stupid!
October 3, 2007
I started KK about Aug of last year, I never really followed the diet 100%, and I know I was in here saying you should listen to your body blar blar…I have a confession to make now, and as I write this tears well in my eyes because for the first time I realize that I may have some kind of an eating disorder now, and to even admit something like this is so so very hard for me. When I joined KK, I was thrilled to see that all these people were eating so little, it was the conformation I was looking for that eating next to nothing was OK. I had gone to many diet sites and the mods there would always say ” you need to eat at least 1200 cals a day” and what not…I always struggled to lose weight, my thyroid and metabolism was so screwed up, and still is. When I got the conformation I needed ( eating 300-400 cals a day was ok ) I literally went whole hog. I water fasted for 10-12 days at a time, I would simply put it back on after a month or 2…..but I learnt something that was really cool ( I thought) and that was how to vomited my food back up ( please nobody attack me here, this is hard for me to admit as it is) I always used to joke about how neat it would be if I could like go on a binge and then puke it all back up, but I never could do it, and I did try it, but I hate puking. Anyway’s what I discovered is that when you lower you cals so so low as I did on the KK diet, that SNATT feeling you get, well it helps ever so much to bring on the vomit, your body starts to reject food. For the first time in my life I was able to go without food for up to 12 days and just water fast, allowing myself a cup of back coffee in the morning. I think what happens is that your digestive system shuts down, then when you try and eat, it all gets stuck in your throat and you don’t even have to put your fingers down your throat to purge, it just comes out all by itself.I have also been using laxative teas, I even went a step further though, and when lax teas weren’t working, well I went and purchased an enema kit, it helped to see a the numbers change on the scale, now how obsessed is that. Now for all you KK people listen up….I was here but mere hours ago defending this women to the end…..WHY…..because in all fairness I was protecting myself, protecting this form of eating that I have adapted and didn’t want to admit I was wrong….this is one hard pill for me to swallow, because now I AM SCARED….I am scared of food, food has become an enemy to me……The reason that I have not lost a lot of weight on KK is because I simply put it all back on…..I have had a cycling type of diet going on, where I eat like crazy for a month to 6 weeks, then I starve myself for a month or so, and it all starts again……I started a personal journal which you can all read at KK, its called ” come high or low waters” in there you can see how I am fasting, and how others were cheering me on, you can see how some were also telling me to be careful and I was like” heck no I can do this, I am focused” They took the fasting thread down, but there I had pictures posted of myself having lost 12 pounds in 8 days, I was so so proud……I hope that someone reads this and listen’s to that little quiet voice in there head telling them THIS IS THE TRUTH, THE LIGHT……I am faced with learning how to eat again, eat without vomiting, eat without feeling guilty……I am not laying blame totally on KK, but for people like me that have been desperate to lose weight, this is the conformation they have been looking for to starve themselves. I too have been suffering with side effects…..losing handfuls of hair, having heart palpitations,I strange tingling down my left arm, a total loss of energy, I went and got blood test because I had lost my short term memory, I could not remember my sons birthday even and it was scary, I was suffering from insomnia and all kinds of different things. When I got my blood test back, everything was screwed up, all my female hormones, it put me into early menopause, I am 37 years old, my human growth hormone was at the age of a 97 yr old women, I kept getting rashed all over my body and I would go on antibiotics which didn’t help, then I started getting all kinds of yeast infections, which I have never ever had, just a long list of things. I have many different excuses I have mustered up for these things. To come clean about the KK diet, is to come clean with yourself, and admitting I have a huge problem with food is extremely hard to do because what it means for people like me is WHAT NOW……for those who feel they haven’t adapted this bad identity with food yet, just know if you continue to eat even 800 cals a day, you soon will. I want to publicly reach out to all of you who are still stuck in this place, I know how lonely and scary it is, come make that first step with me, I am scared too…….I knew full well that everyone here was trying to get the message threw, but I could not except it. This has been the hardest thing for me to admit….I am sorry…
I really just cant stop crying, I feel so stupid, and I realllllllllly want to reach out to everyone who is still stuck here in this horrible confused place…..please please take that first step with me, there must be others who this has happened to who are to scared to come forward with me…..please leave that site, I allowed myself to get brain washed, and I know you dont want to hear this, but I also know you can feel it in your stomach, you know I am sincere, LISTEN to that quiet voice please ….hugs to all you KK people who I know are reading this, dont be scared….
October 3, 2007
I don’t know if this is where to post but does anyone have a strange fear of eating? Even though more fat is part of the plan (or cheese or nuts, etc.) do you feel like if you indulge you are being “bad?” I can’t get over it and I am worried that what I have is an eating disorder. So many bad ways of thinking have emerged from my short time in KK land. I just can’t imagine a diet that says it doesn’t matter if you drink water. That should have been the big flashing red light.